Day 19 – Avoiding People and the Drug of Hate

Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, either way, you are right!

-Henry Ford –

Awake, laying in bed in a dim-lit room down the hall from my actual bed, the one my wife sleeps in on days that I work. The sounds from below echo now through the room. The clanging dishes and effects of making dinner louden as time passes. I roll out of bed and I can’t do anything but sit-up before taking a hit. This was on a good day. Sometimes I would take a hit even before sitting up in bed.

I’d like to say it didn’t affect my daily life with my family but we all knew. In fact, many times late at night before heading in for the night shift after taking long drags of complaining, gossip, jealousy eventually get to the real hard shit: hate.

I slept in another room on days that I worked

because it had blackout curtains and was normally the furthest from any activity that may wake me. It was nice to have my own room, just 1 year previously we didn’t have that luxury, nor did we live in an area that we wanted to. The life as a Police Officer was not awesome, seems like today it’s even worse, that’s for another discussion. Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed the camaraderie that was like what I found in the military but that did not help pay bills or make working holidays and night shift easier on my family.

Things were better now, or so I thought. I had received a full-time military position and won the jackpot of night shift again. The payout really came when my addiction of hate got worse. The camaraderie was as good if not better than when I was a civilian officer but that didn’t help with my addiction. The unfortunate part was I had surrounded dealers, users, and creators of my drug. I was surrounded no matter what while at work. I’d love for the blame to be pushed on them for my addiction but I could create a festering bong of hate like no one’s business.

The hate did nothing for me

or those around me except make us miserable. I would try to mask the hatred and distaste I had for my current state with alcohol, making jokes, and even blame others. I could however never get away from hating my job, schedule or career outlook. My health was increasingly getting worse, smoking a pack a day, drinking and drinking energy drinks on a daily basis was not helping either.

The addiction continued but for some reason, mostly attributed to my wife, I came to the conclusion it could not go on. As smokers, drug addicts or fellow haters know, quitting something just like that is not that easy. I however figured a way to not only quit smoking but change my view on life.

The opportunity to interview for my current position came and when I walked out I knew it was going to end in something special. The hate still took over a bit and created self-doubt and hatred for the ‘system’ is the way it was. Weeks went by and I heard nothing. One day I received a call while working, I got the job.

The life change brought about not only a new career but lifestyle. I shortly after began to meditate, work out, and eat healthily. I strongly believe that not one of these attributed to me feeling better but combined they were exactly what I needed.

As I reflect back on the addiction and think about relapses I have incurred on and off the hatred, complaining and distaste for my situation had nothing to do with my environment but more the ability for the environment to overtake my mind and build within myself. Rather than dealing with these the way I should have with a strong meditation and workout regiment and eat healthily I continued to use and build others addiction by feeding them with a negative attitude.

Negativity spreads and builds so much hatred within each one of us so quickly that everyone should be aware of their current mindset, surroundings and true situation allowing for the spread of inner awareness rather than handing needles of hate to fellow addicts.

Mindfulness of those around you and the ones you interact with makes you able to change the outcome of every situation you may be in.

I thought I understood these principals

months back when I originally wrote this post, however, it’s clear that through my actions I had no idea. I understood that negativity bred more negativity but I never understood that dealing with the negativity through eating like shit and drinking was not the right way to deal with anything. It’s hard to say I never understood because that allows for further ignorance on my part, I just didn’t want to see it.

It’s wise to open your eyes and look around to see what’s surrounding you. Do you want negativity to be what people feel and see when you are around or is the energy you release into the universe positivity and excitement for adventure? The energy that surrounds us fuels our actions and emotions, avoid people who don’t understand that and try to reduce you down.

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